Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.
Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.
Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing.
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.
There's no way to prove that there is no God. You just have to take it on faith.
It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
My grammy never gave gifts, you know. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.
A "Bay Area Bisexual" told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.
I don't want to be immortal through my works. I want to be immortal by not dying.
There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure.
I wouldn't mind dying so much if it wasn't that I would be dead at the end of it.
I don't want to live forever through my work. I want to live forever by not dying.
In order to be successful, all you've got to do is show up 80 percent of the time.
Until you've been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon - you've never been kissed.
Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?
My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly with my legs.
How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how the can-opener works.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
Fantasy is only a state of mind that you can employ when existing in a real context.
Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.
I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.
Whosoever loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.
People still have existential anxiety. It just may not be expressed in Hebraic idiom.
In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.
I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I'm pale and I'm redheaded. I don't tan - I stroke!
Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?
I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.
If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting
I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
I've never dated a fictional character before. The closest I ever came was an Italian.
I've always been interested in being in other people's movies. I never get any offers.
Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!
Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.
The most important words in the English language are not 'I love you' but 'it's benign.'
This stuff tastes awful; I could have made a fortune selling it in my health-food store.
There's no rhyme or reason to anything that I do. It's whatever seems right at the time.