Before I go to work, I like to pump myself up by crying over my master's degree.

What I get to do is have fun in my house, by myself, and put it on the Internet.

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

We will able to overcome all that because five of us were together and not alone.

When Liza Minelli was a child, she used to sit on my lap and call me Uncle Sammy.

I had more clothes than I had closets, more cars than garage space, but no money.

Good morning! What we have in mind is breakfast in bed for four hundred thousand.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

There’s no cure for ugly, but you can make yourself into a human optical illusion.

Sober up, and you see and hear everything you'd been able to avoid hearing before.

Just staying true to yourself and staying true to your passion. Following your gut.

There is no cure for ugly, but you can make yourself into a human optical illusion.

The single greatest gift you could ever give the world is to be exactly who you are.

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

My gratitude towards fans has always been sitting itself deep down there in my heart.

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Be funny on a golf course? Do I kid my best friend's mother about her heart condition?

All I really had was my talent. Without that I wouldn't be welcome at the White House.

I've just got to get that album out. I have to get it out, if it's the last thing I do.

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?

Reality is never as bad as a nightmare, as the mental tortures we inflict on ourselves.

You do not send me to Brooklyn to get a cheesecake and then I come back and you're gone.

I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.

Though I love the luxury of the Waldorf Towers, room service there doesn't do soul food.

With an ocean between you and your European friends, you have to keep them in your heart.

Now that the baby is coming, I will do a lot more balancing. I'm going to be a real mommy.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I draw the line at filth and crude language. It seems to be an excuse for not being funny.

'America's Got Talent' has really opened a lot of doors for me. I want to do a lot more TV.

You become yourself, every single day of your life, through your choices and how you think.

Here's a helpful life tip. Stand by things that are white cuz it makes you look less white.

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away.

It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it.

Many people think I'm a television personality. I never have been! Just someone who acts it.

Q: Does this train stop at Brighton? A: I hope so or there's going to be a hell of a splash.

What's real? What's not? That's what I do in my act, test how other people deal with reality.

It's VH1, it's everywhere, and you know music is just the world right now. People love music.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

During three decades, along all the highways of my youth, Frank had always been there for me.

Even though designing your own show, that's great, I am nothing without the support around me.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.

George Martin recorded a lot of my stuff before the Beatles, so I observed their meteoric rise.

I'm very proud of myself because I have come so close to just giving up and I haven't done that.

I have so much more to go through as a young lady. But oh my God. I feel like I can do anything.

Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.

I needed to explore my talent and versatility and see if I had another side to me, another sound.

Wishing, hoping and regretting are the most common and dangerous tactics for evading the present.

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