Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I look, absolutely, like I'm going to sell you insurance.
What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!
There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.
I love making observations. That one is a classic example.
The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.
The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.
Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal.
Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?
Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?!
If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.
If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.
If someone spreads hate then they're not your religious leader.
On this show, your voice will be heard in the form of my voice.
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.
brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.
It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.
You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection.
If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate
I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.
I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.
If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?
Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.
If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.
You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.
Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?
Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy.
If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.
Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.
In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.
Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun
I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.
I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.
The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear
I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.
I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.
I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!
It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.
When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.