Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.
After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.
I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.
If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.
You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.
I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.
Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics.
I'm off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely.
I have a mug that actually verifies that I'm the world's best dad. That's a mug. That's not me talking. You can't just buy those.
I'm very comfortable with uncomfortable situations, and I think that can seem odd to people, that I like the thrill of discomfort.
If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don't. There's a big difference. Check your lawyer.
We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us.
I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint.
Don't be afraid to make things up. Never fear being exposed as a fraud. Experts make things up all the time. They're qualified to.
I don't perceive my role as a newsman at all. I'm a comedian from stem to stern. You can cut me open and count the rings of jokes.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to make.
If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.
My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.
For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.
When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.
Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.
I have a doctorate in fine arts from Knox College in Illinois. All I did was give a speech, and now everybody has to call me Dr. Colbert.
Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
Citizens United said that transparency would be the disinfectant, but (c)(4)'s are warm, wet, moist incubators. There is no disinfectant.
My favorite off-camera memory of Jon Stewart is watching him jump from the second level of a tuna tower into the waters off Grand Cayman.
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.
The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.
Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up.
Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.
You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourselves seriously on any level; we're just comedians.
If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.
Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ
Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.
History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!
Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.
If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.
Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.