Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?
It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.
Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?
I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.
Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!
Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.
What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.
The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable.
Odyssey Dawn? That's not a military operation. That's a Carnival Cruise ship.
I used to play a narcissistic-conservative pundit. Now, I'm just a narcissist.
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.
I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.
it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.
You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.
I'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera.
I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.
Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.
There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.
I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.
The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.
Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!
Bill Moyers is everything I never aspire to be: Calm, Thoughtful, and Informative.
Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
As a rule, Germans shouldn't do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu.
A lot of people have said, "Oh, I, boy, I wish Hillary Clinton would just go away."
In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
Donald Trump is a strong president. We got to stand behind this guy is what I think.
Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.
'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.
Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.
I believed in global warming after Al Gore's movie made money; the market had spoken.
I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.
I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.
Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!
Love means never having to say you're sorry. That's why I never apologize to my mirror.
When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.
The truthiness is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news 'at' you.
While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad.
When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.
John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody's compensating for his small government.
I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album.
I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.
I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.