Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?
I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.
Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!
NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.
And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.
They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.
Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.
God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.
We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.
You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.
If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids.
I believe gender is a spectrum, and I fall somewhere between Channing Tatum and Winnie the Pooh.
I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
I'm just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.
You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.
Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.
Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.
You can't really be passionately moderate. It's like wearing an 'Extra Medium' - it doesn't exist.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
One day,I might be able to tell my grandkids I interviewed the last president of the United States.
Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.
Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.
If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.
You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?
I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.
Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California's Canada, Oregon.
Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?
Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too.
I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.
Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.
There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.
Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
Cynics always say no. Saying yes leads to knowledge. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.
There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).
Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.
The goal is to have fun with my friends.And that means sometimes talking about things that you care about.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.
In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.
Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.