Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform.
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
I heard that after you throw away a 'New York Times,' it takes over a hundred years for the lies to biodegrade.
There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.
We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist.
I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?
All I can do is today and tomorrow and have some idea of what we're doing next week. That's all I can worry about.
Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding?
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.
Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!
I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them.
It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.
We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.
I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.
When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.
Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.
Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos.
...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.
Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.
I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.
Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor.
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
With Late Night Show I can begin the search for the real Stephen Colbert.I just hope I don't find him on Ashley Madison.
My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'
Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.
North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'
Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!
Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay.
Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'
Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.
Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.
I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.
I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.
Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
The Yankees' Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.
Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.