Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Large corporations welcome innovation and individualism in the same way the dinosaurs welcomed large meteors.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Just because no one has ever gotten better from Spasmodic Dysphonia before doesn't mean I can't be the first.
I hope to actually get back to painting someday... soon. I sort of transitioned into cartooning from painting.
Beetle Bailey is actually me, in uniform. I've got about 20 characters, and they're all after friends of mine.
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the proper application of fonts and color.
Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.
Good ideas have no value because the world already has too many of them. The market rewards execution, not ideas.
If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.
Your inability to see other possibilities and your lack of vocabulary are your brain's limits, not the universe's.
When you come into the world you have nothing... when you leave you have nothing... and in between there's the IRS.
Most people are sort of against authority. Here's Beetle always challenging authority. I think people relate to it.
You learn just by trying and experimenting. By the time I was 14, I had my own comic strip in the Kansas City paper.
Science is a good thing. News reporters are good things too. But it's never a good idea to put them in the same room.
The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.
There's kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat; if you don't pet her for 10 minutes she'll bother you for six hours.
Wha...what are you smiling for...? If I'd swallowed that needle, I'd have died! It's not like putting tabasco in ohagi!!!
Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.
As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really, really funny.
I had several different bosses during the early years of 'Dilbert.' They were all pretty sure I was mocking someone else.
If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it.
I would sometimes sit in a crowded restaurant, and say, 'You know, I'm the only person in this restaurant who can't draw.'
The amount of energy spent laughing at a joke should be directly proportional to the hierarchical status of the joke teller.
I'm not happy on vacation. In those rare times when I have three hours with no work I have to do, I'm terribly uncomfortable.
Crackpot is an excellent job because the expectations are so low. No one ever tells crackpots that they should be doing more.
We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
You taught me to be nice, so nice that now I am so full of niceness, I have no sense of right and wrong, no outrage, no passion.
I'm a poor artist. Through brute force, I brought myself up to mediocre. I've never taken a writing class, but I can write okay.
Shooting someone point blank still generates an explosion out of the end of a gun, even if the projectile is somehow ineffective.
Your business clothes are naturally attracted to staining liquids. This attraction is strongest just before an important meeting.
I have a perverse attraction to risk. Not physical risk but emotional, financial risk - anything than can't kill you immediately.
The world isn't fair, but as long as it's tilting in my direction, I find that there's a natural cap to my righteous indignation.
There are people who help you in life. I've been given a helping hand, and that's why I feel it's my duty to help younger artists.
We're a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilization that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants.
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And then you die'.
I like to keep doing something new and different so people can't say I'm doing the same thing all the time. I like to challenge myself.
God designs people's emotions so you fall in love with people who, in return, wouldn't even use your hollowed-out skull for a spittoon.
Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently.
For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson.
Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again.
Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.
If I had to pick one quality that best predicts success (other than wanting to be successful) it would be the willingness to risk embarrassment.
He's dreaming with his eyes open, and those that dream with their eyes open are dangerous, for they do not know when their dreams come to an end.
As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line.