Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.
McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.
And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.
I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.
I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.
Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with.
I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own.
How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.
For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label.
I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.
I was trying to get out of the night clubs and was thinking maybe I'll go to the colleges now; that's where you can speak your mind.
One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'
Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.
No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
I consider the coke a major cause. Of course, you could also make the argument that because cocaine speeds up the heart, it's good for you.
A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.
Somebody once said that Hollywood is based on a lot of producers deliberately making bad movies, and every now and then somebody gets lucky.
When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning.
People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?