Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.
The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to.
In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.
Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.
One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
People are dreaming if they think they have rights. They've never had rights. There's no such thing.
I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.
That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Cocaine was different. It kept saying, "You haven't had enough." I became an abuser almost instantly.
History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.
Children should be taught to question everything . . . everything they read and everything they hear.
A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt
If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.
I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.