Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'.
Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?
For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.
We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.
Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.
The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body
The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
Heroin, forget it. In my neighborhood, I could see what heroin did firsthand and I was definitely afraid of that number.
One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.
Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.
I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best.
Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.
Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies.
In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge.
Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.
My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.
When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.
Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.
Everything that you know about yourself comes from thinking back, and I think I saw religion as the first big betrayal of me.
Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.
Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.