Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning
Barry Goldwater has definitely decided to be a candidate in '64. He will campaign in all thirteen states.
If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
There are only two types of motorists: the idiots who drive slower than me, and the lunatics who go faster.
Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.
When I listen to those tapes now, the real cocaine shows; there's just nothing special about their content.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.
Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
I suspect there really was more to my accident than bad luck. I think it was God's way of punishing my nose.
If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was?
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.
They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.
If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in?
Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.
What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!"
I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.
I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians.
Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
I think it keeps the child alive in me. There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people.
It was just a compulsion. In fact, I soon realized that the only thing I really enjoyed was the actual snorting.
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
I think it would be fair and right to use some of my land and wealth for a drug-rehab center or an Indian school.
Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.
I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.
Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.
Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.
Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all.
I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.
If a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough.
I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted.
I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.