Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't like upsetting people.
I'm not going to crack America.
I suppose I'm always a little bit on edge.
I like jokes where people don't stop laughing.
It's hard to see your dad once in a blue moon.
So you're mother? Nice to put a name to a face.
Maybe people just can't cope with how jovial I am.
I've always felt so unconnected to other comedians.
Success and arena shows are a great anti-depressant.
I've got some Jewish ancestry and I don't like waste.
I'm thrilled at the continued success of the 'Big Show.'
Comedy provides an escape from the horrors of real life.
Making the 'Big Show' has been the most fun I've had on telly.
It would be nice if I had a faster metabolism, because I love food.
I definitely wanted a Ferrari 328 - I was obsessive about cars as a kid.
Sometimes it's difficult to laugh at certain things but comedy can help.
A responsive crowd is great - they help you see new things in your comedy.
I just find little things in life funny, it's why I giggle during my shows.
I do speak well as I went to a posh school. But I come from no real breeding.
I found the idea of trying to create a show that everyone can enjoy really appealing.
I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring and I even had it engraved - with the price.
I'm sure there are comedians who make jokes about me, but say something funny, not mean.
My wife is very fit and looking younger every day, whereas I'm looking older day by day.
I've been performing stand-up comedy for ten years, it's what I love and will always do.
I never felt like I belong to anything - to any groups of friends. I never really had that.
I've always found the world funny and enjoy laughing at it, and that's what all comedians do.
The people who don't like me are completely irrelevant to me, just as I'm irrelevant to them.
My life is spent in hotels, which tend to be quite disappointing if you're in them every night.
You have to be realistic. Not everyone is going to like you, so you have to focus on the ones who do.
Normally you have news, weather and travel.....but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel.
I went to quite a nice school as a kid, where everyone was quite posh, because my dad was making some money.
Australia is fun, but completely exhausting and confusing because I never get on with the different time zone.
The only critics who annoy me are the ones who come to my shows even when they're clearly not fans of my work.
I call people 'captain' a lot and it makes them feel special. Until they hear me using it for everyone, that is.
I always knew I was quite good at getting laughs. At school, I loved having a ready audience if I made a cheeky remark.
I like the stage lights to be bright so I can't see people because I will inevitably only see the ones who aren't laughing.
There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.
I sometimes reflect on my own life on stage and no one laughs, but you have to have faith in it and hope that people will laugh.
I can sit and write clever things, but that never quite works as well as when I'm just chatting about stupid things in the moment.
Before I went into comedy I was a loner, very much wrapped up in my own thoughts. But I always liked myself and the way I thought.
One of the positives of getting older is that you forget your age. Then you find out that you're younger than you thought you were.
I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown, I mean it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.
Fame is sexy. And women are meant to find men who are funny sexy. But not me. Absolutely not me. Clearly I just missed the sexy bit.
I would never be rude about somebody else in my profession because we all do this same thing. We're just trying to make people laugh.
I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left 'Countdown;' I mean, it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.
I don't go around straightening pictures or anything like that, but I do obsess about the safety of those I love, particularly the kids.
Sometimes I worry about things changing and people not liking me any more. As a comedian you do feel like you're walking on a knife edge.
Britain's Got Talent' is about those moments when an unknown person takes to the stage and changes their life in the space of a few minutes.
If you can help it, don't be rude to people. When you're rude about someone and the audience laugh you can't deny that it's a bullying laugh.
Women like me. Women love me. But not so my wife need worry. Not in a 'he's so hot' type of way. More in a 'come round for a cup of tea' way.