Quotes by Milton Jones - Page 1

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Corners
Copy Quote
I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Blood
Copy Quote
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Running
Humor
Hate
Copy Quote
The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
School
Copy Quote
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Feminist
Copy Quote
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Air
Copy Quote
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Animal
Copy Quote
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Jobs
Humor
Copy Quote
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Wife
Copy Quote
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Veils
Copy Quote
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Black
Copy Quote
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Thinking
Copy Quote
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Jobs
Humor
Copy Quote
A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Cat
Copy Quote
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Daughter
Funny
Humor
Yellow
Copy Quote
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Book
Copy Quote
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Mosques
Copy Quote
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Running
Humor
Copy Quote
Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Jobs
Humor
Copy Quote
Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Thinking
Copy Quote
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Believe
Copy Quote
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Sacrifice
Copy Quote
If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Firsts
Germany
Half
Copy Quote
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Girl
Real
Copy Quote
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Spiritual
Copy Quote
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Mother
Copy Quote
I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Doctors
Copy Quote
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Grandfather
Months
Copy Quote
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Children
Copy Quote
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Police
Copy Quote
I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Clouds
Copy Quote
I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Children
Nuts
School
Copy Quote
Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Choices
Copy Quote
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Dog
Copy Quote
When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
School
Wall
Copy Quote
You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Sorry
Copy Quote
I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Book
Copy Quote
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Thinking
Copy Quote
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Jobs
Humor
Copy Quote
We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.
Milton Jones / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Mean
Copy Quote

Related Comedian Authors

Steven Wright
Comedian
Tuesday, Dec 06, 1955
Rodney Dangerfield
Comedian
Tuesday, Nov 22, 1921
Tuesday, Oct 05, 2004
Groucho Marx
Comedian
Thursday, Oct 02, 1890
Friday, Aug 19, 1977
George Carlin
Comedian
Wednesday, May 12, 1937
Sunday, Jun 22, 2008
Zach Anner
Comedian
Saturday, Nov 17, 1984
Yakov Smirnoff
Comedian
Wednesday, Jan 24, 1951
Winston Spear
Comedian
Will Ferrell
Comedian
Sunday, Jul 16, 1967
Will Durst
Comedian
Tuesday, Mar 18, 1952
Wil Anderson
Comedian
Thursday, Jan 31, 1974
Whoopi Goldberg
Comedian
Sunday, Nov 13, 1955
Whitney Cummings
Comedian
Saturday, Sep 04, 1982
Wendy Liebman
Comedian
Monday, Feb 27, 1961
Warren Hutcherson
Comedian
Thursday, Oct 31, 1963
Wanda Sykes
Comedian
Saturday, Mar 07, 1964

View All Comedian Quotes

Top Authors

Muhammad Ali
Professional Boxer
Saturday, Jan 17, 1942
Friday, Jun 03, 2016
Thomas Aquinas
Priest
Tuesday, Jan 28, 1225
Wednesday, Mar 07, 1274
Steve Jobs
Entrepreneur
Thursday, Feb 24, 1955
Wednesday, Oct 05, 2011
Aristotle
Philosopher
Thursday, Jan 01, 1970
Thursday, Jan 01, 1970
Alfred Lord Tennyson
Poet
Saturday, Aug 05, 1809
Thursday, Oct 06, 1892
George Carlin
Comedian
Wednesday, May 12, 1937
Sunday, Jun 22, 2008
Marcus Tullius Cicero
Philosopher
Leonardo Da Vinci
Painter
Thursday, Apr 15, 1452
Friday, May 02, 1519
Barack Obama
44Th U.s. President
Friday, Aug 04, 1961
Will Rogers
Actor
Tuesday, Nov 04, 1879
Thursday, Aug 15, 1935
Ronald Reagan
40Th US President
Monday, Feb 06, 1911
Saturday, Jun 05, 2004
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Poet
Wednesday, Oct 21, 1772
Friday, Jul 25, 1834
Carl Sagan
Astronomer
Friday, Nov 09, 1934
Friday, Dec 20, 1996
Voltaire
Writer
Sunday, Nov 21, 1694
Saturday, May 30, 1778
Mae West
Actress
Thursday, Aug 17, 1893
Saturday, Nov 22, 1980

View All Authors

Milton Jones Quotes - Page 1

Picture Quotes Maker

Related Comedian Authors

Popular Topic Tags

Top Authors

Share This Page

Stay Connected

Picture Quotes Maker

Related Comedian Authors

Popular Topic Tags

Top Authors

Share This Page