Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.
Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.
If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't.
The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated.
As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
I don't vote. We're led to believe we're free through the exercise of ineffective freedoms.
The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it
If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language.
Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change.
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.
This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal.
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.
Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
It's the American view that everything has to keep climbing: productivity, profits, even comedy.
We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.
I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself.