Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.
Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."
If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.
When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
I was never a pipe or bong man. That's California stuff. I was an Eastern roller.
What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.
When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
To me the cynics are the ones in the boardrooms with the reports from the focus groups.
Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war.
The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.
I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.