Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?
Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.
Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work.
Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem.
In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
If you're reading it in a book, folks, it ain't self-help. It's help.
If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people.
And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough?
What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
The ritual was very important to me: cleaning the pot, rolling the pot.
Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business.
I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.
I always have these little internal monologues. You'll get used to them.
There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it.
I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.
If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.
Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.