Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I have a lot of things [in me] that are childlike and innocent and sweet.
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.
Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
I make fun of people who are religious, because they're fundamentally weak.
You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.
In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole.
Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.
Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.
None of the Christian religions do [interest me]. They're all outer-directed.
Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.
If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist.
Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.
Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you're not dead yet.
In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.
I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.
Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.