Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There's nothing like unrequited love to take all the flavor out of a peanut butter sandwich.
When you're not allowed to stay up late, the secret is to just wake up really, really early.
I'd love to see more equal representation of female and male cartoonists on the comics page.
You treat God like you treat any dangerous looney — keep him calm and stay on his good side.
Writers of comedy have outlook, whereas writers of tragedy have, according to them, insight.
Time is for dragonflies and angels. The former live too little and the latter live too long.
Way down deep, we're all motivated by the same urges. Cats have the courage to live by them.
Life is like a Ferrari, it goes too fast. But that's ok, because you can't afford it anyway.
It ain't a bad plan to keep still occasionally even when you know what you're talking about.
The man who says "I may be wrong, but--" does not believe there can be any such possibility.
Part of the fun of being alive is knowing that you're annoying the hell out of someone else.
Well, most grown-ups forget what it was like to be a kid. I vowed that I would never forget.
Ned, have you considered any of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.
Call immediately. Time is running out. We both need to do something monstrous before we die.
What fits your busy schedule better, exercising one hour a day or being dead 24 hours a day?
I'm just a negative person, a deeply negative person. I see the worst aspects of everything.
There's all kinds of theories among the cartoonists: start with funniest, end with funniest.
Relying too much on proof distracts you from the real mission–which is emotional connection.
If I had to rank my skills, I have a long way to go before I can write a good graphic novel.
There was an honorable tradition of using anonymous sources that was ruined by Jayson Blair.
Anthology shows as a whole scare people. The networks can't quite get their heads around it.
You cannot hold back a good laugh any more than you can the tide. Both are forces of nature.
Because I was a diminutive, arty kid, I felt like a misfit in high school - but who doesn't?
In nicey-nicey land, you must be happy-clappy and positive all the time - bad news is taboo.
You might have a worry that's so stupid it just peters out by itself, like a bad investment.
For every issue, I send four pages of finished marginals and they select the ones they need.
In my teens and university and stuff, video games became more realistic, or they started to.
Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.
My idea of walking into the jaws of death is marrying some woman who has lost three husbands.
How rare and wonderful is that flash of a moment when we realize we have discovered a friend.
I'm not a professional comedian. Nobody comes to my comedy shows. That's just a little hobby.
Thunderstick?... You actually said, 'Thunderstick?'... That, my friend is a Winchester 30.06.
Only one fellow in ten thousand understands the currency question, and we meet him every day.
Everybody doesn't have to get every joke. People really appreciate not being condescended to.
But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
It's unlikely that you'll create something scarce without doing something risky to get there.
As an organization grows and succeeds, it sows the seeds of its own demise by getting boring.
When you focus on delighting an audience you care about, you strip the masses of their power.
Obviously Spawn was at the top of the charts at that point so you get a lot of opportunities.
I've always despised old people. I got angry at my father when he began to show signs of age.
When I found this opportunity to answer the ad, I got the job and I've been there ever since.
When I was a kid, I desperately wanted more background information on especially cartoonists.
Well, I've done a lot of strips since I've been here about Zippy and me being in Connecticut.
Jesus died to forgive our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?
A mind is a terrible thing. All this evolution nonsense is making me feel like a complete APE!
The down side of Americans being obsessed with pop culture is that they kind of like it light.
So often, happiness is the extent to which we balance our grandiose expectations with reality.
All of earth's creatures have, hidden within their beings, a wild uncontrollable urge to punt!
I'm always hiding the books in my closet, and my art's always turned upside down in my drawer.
I never liked my own species. On why so many of his comics are about animals, in an interview.