Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm not the judge of who that is, but I am a believer that no debt in the universe goes unpaid. If you try to buy early, you'll pay late.
I haven't done a lot in London. I think comedy over there is how it was over here years ago. There's tons of it, and they're better paid.
You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.
It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?
When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
Flowers are the fastest way to a woman's heart. Well, actually, the fastest way is through her rib cage, but flowers are a lot less messy.
I can only develop a stand-up show by being on stage. I can't write it. Whenever I see comedy written down, it very rarely makes me laugh.
I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.
To me, feminism means equality between men and women. I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see.
There's gratification in making somebody laugh. It's a wonderful sound. I find myself, to this day, doing it, wanting to make people laugh.
I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.
I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn't want to be the tea party's go-to comedian.
Turning a breakup into a break-over ... We want women to know that as bad as it can be, it can also be an opportunity to reinvent yourself.
Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?
People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.
I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.
Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"
What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.
I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show.
Nixon started auditing late-night show hosts because they were making jokes about him. Then, every single one of their staff got tax audits.
Britain's Got Talent' is about those moments when an unknown person takes to the stage and changes their life in the space of a few minutes.
I'm a strong believer in free speech to the degree that I support everybody's right to speak, including those whose views I find disgusting.
When I came up in L.A., a lot of comics produced their own shows, and so if you wanted to have a show in the city, you produced it yourself.
The earth only has so much bounty to offer and inventing ever larger and more notional prices for that bounty does not change its real value.
There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?
It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.
My best friend is disabled. There's nothing he hates more than being left out of the jokes, to be treated with kid gloves. That's the insult.
If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.
I feel that if I retire today, I've done enough. I've achieved everything in comedy... I feel I don't need anything else. It's already built.
If you can help it, don't be rude to people. When you're rude about someone and the audience laugh you can't deny that it's a bullying laugh.
Women like me. Women love me. But not so my wife need worry. Not in a 'he's so hot' type of way. More in a 'come round for a cup of tea' way.
I generally don't like living in a world where being what a man is, is a horrible thing; and no matter what a woman is, is a wonderful thing.
I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."
Hollywood's built on insecurity. People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.
I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.
I love being in my own skin, and I hope other women start feeling better about themselves and waste less energy being ashamed of their bodies.
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.
I'm not a natural comedian, as an artist. I studied comedy growing up. I would watch Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence, all day.
The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.
Making movies is time-consuming and it's boring. You spend most of your time waiting between takes. It's like a big machine that moves slowly.
When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off of you.
I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.
For many people the reason why they're idiots is not necessarily that their brain doesn't work well, it's that they got in a terrible pattern.
The `50s were terrifying with nuclear bomb stuff but boring in a social way and then the `60s were happening, and remember, there was no AIDS.
I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."
You do a clean show and it's over and the audience have enjoyed themselves and you've enjoyed yourself, and you haven't had to resort to shock.
I think there's a little confusion between humor and 'gross' passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable, because they aren't the same thing.
My stand-up has a lot of performance in it, and I loved doing it so much that, after years, I put the idea of having a show on the back burner.
Over the past 50 years Bob Hope employed 88 joke writers who supplied him with more than one million gags, and he still couldn't make me laugh.