Funny Relationship Quotes

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This collection holds 70 funny relationship quotes, drawn from writers, leaders, artists and thinkers across the QuoteForever archive. The most quoted voices here are Bill Cosby, Alan Loy Mcginnis and Ralph Waldo Emerson.

They are ordered so that each author has a say before anyone repeats, which means the first page gives you the range of the topic rather than one writer's back catalogue. Quotes that come with a ready-made image appear first, so anything you want to share is one tap away.

Use the grid and list views to change how much of each quote you see, follow an author's name to read everything else they said, or open a quote on its own page to copy it, share it, or turn it into a picture quote.

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they ... - Bill Cosby

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

Love, honor, and negotiate.

All diseases run into one, old age.

Normal is in the eye of the beholder.

Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.

Presence is more than just being there.

I'm a very loyal and unreliable friend.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

Seek Not Every Quality In One Individual.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

Marriage is like a 5,000- piece jigsaw of the sky.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

Never marry a man you wouldn't want to be divorced from.

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.

In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

He took his misfortune like a man - he blamed it on his wife.

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

I believe marriage is a relationship between a man and a woman.

When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage.

Love is an endless mystery, for it has nothing else to explain it.

The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.

Nothing is more cheerful than talking about our friends' shortcomings.

I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage.

The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life.

Be honest, brutally honest. That is what's going to maintain relationships.

The appropriate age for marrige is around eighteen and thirty-seven for man

We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks- if we agree with him.

I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common?

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.

Ideally, couples need three lives; one for him, one for her, and one for them together.

The wedding is where two people become one. The marriage is where they decide which one.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.

Old age has deformities enough of its own. It should never add to them the deformity of vice.

My ex-boyfriend can round last night, which was weird because I didn't know he was in a coma.

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.

Maybe the most that you can expect from a relationship that goes bad is to come out of it with a few good songs.

Men feel that women somehow drag them down, and women feel that way about men. It's possible that both are right.

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.

My mother's last word to me clanks inside me like an iron bell that someone beats at dinnertime: love, love, love, love, love.

It's a funny relationship that makeup artists have. I always feel kind of like a dentist. People look at me and think of pain.

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