Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I simply decided that dope wasn't worth the ritual.
It's harder to be funny from the position of power.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.
I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
The base of evil in the world is religion of any kind
I'd say pot has been a break-even proposition for me.
By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.
Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.
The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.
Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning.
"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason
The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.
I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
I'm a believer that things happen. Fate is what happens.
Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.
The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
My father and mother separated when I was two months old.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.
We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?