Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm.
I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
I'm offering a special prize for the first Buick on the moon.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem.
Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine.