Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I took an improv class in 2005 in Chicago at ComedySportz, which was short-form, more of a games-based improv. I remember it being real fun and helping with my stand-up. If I did an improv class, and then I did stand-up later, I felt looser on stage and more comfortable.
After I impulsively revealed that I have OCD on a talk show, I was devastated. I often do things without thinking. That's my ADD/ADHD talking. Out in public, after I did the show, people came to me and said, 'Me, too.' They were the most comforting words I've ever heard.
I love voice-acting - I can go to work without wearing pants. Although I did wear pants during Gremlins. But it's always more comfortable to work without. And if you notice, I relate to Gizmo in that way because he also works without pants. I have furry little legs, too.
Possibly I am difficult to live with, but I don't bring my work home much. I'm either busy or not busy. And I don't work from home. I have an office here which has a white wall. No view. I did try working in a room with a view but it was too interesting. Too distracting.
And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because of course, there are no witnesses.
I would love for someone to offer me a serious part in something. I don't know if I could even pull it off, but I would like to be the cowboy that rides off and someone shoots him off the horse in the middle of town. Just a serious role. It wouldn't have to be a big one.
I love the TV show, and if you make a bad movie it means you've soiled it. Just like if we made an advert. We were offered so many times and I'd say, look, this is the good thing, and you can't compromise that, because then you compromise the integrity of the characters.
To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has actually read the inside of the top of the box.
A lot of racism is paternalism. A lot of people hide their own racism because they treat blacks, minorities and other groups like children because deep down they feel superior and better than these people. And they don't feel like they should just treat a guy like a guy.
When I moved to New York at 22, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I took an improv class, and the first scene I did, I felt like 'I want to do this for the rest of my life.' It was the first time I ever felt like that about anything. I tried to make a living off improv.
I had been asking the universe and God to send me a way for me to help me. Show business has been so wonderful to me, and it came in the form of that. It's just so funny how things come into your life, and if you take a chance on them, it might give you a brand new life.
Try to have a good day today, wherever you are, whatever you do, whoever is near, if no one is near. Try to be happy, because you may not see tomorrow. There is someone this morning, who didn't wake up, who will never see this day. Try to feel lucky that this is not you.
Once you start listening to the comics, be they Jewish, Muslim, Italian, Filipino or whatever, the material often springs from the same source - the overbearing mom, the parents who want you to marry from within your community. That's why the 'Ethnic Show' works so well.
I think the reason why I'm so alluring to networks is because on the surface I'm like a quintessential relatable, boring white guy. A great many sitcoms have been anchored by a boring white guy, so I feel like what they want to mine from me are my more generic qualities.
Random people, celebrities of note come to your shows over the years, and I've had some really strange ones. Like the guy from Kiss. Gene Simmons has literally been in the audience at my shows, like, four times. I don't know if he knows me; he's just a big fan of comedy.
There is this fallacy of the 'cool' comedian out there. You see the guys who take themselves very seriously and think they're being very suave and sardonic. But they're just jesters like the rest of us; they're just goons like we all are. The job is to make people laugh.
We started when we're around 13 writing it - maybe 14. I'm a little older than Evan Goldberg is, like, only like six months. But like, I would say, like, the general structure of the movie, like, the series of events is very similar to what it was when we first wrote it.
We’ve been sold this lie that disability makes you exceptional and it honestly doesn’t. … I want to live in a world where we don’t have such low expectations of disabled people that we are congratulated for getting out of bed and remembering our own names in the morning.
People - I hate to use the word 'fans' - are very respectful. It's not like I'm some pop idol or big movie star. I'm very approachable, and I love the people who enjoy me, because they react like they've run into a friend. Usually, it's like, 'Hey, Wanda! How ya' doing?'
I feel like, in a lot of shows where the woman is in charge, the woman is this ball buster and the guy is sort of weak and spineless. And that's never been my experience in a relationship. I think it's much more interesting that the guy is the boss. And there are stakes.
Many people celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday for the most part than a Christian holiday. Obviously, many, many people celebrate it as a Christian holiday. But then there's even more people or there's additional people who celebrate it as a secular holiday as well.
I even get tired performing standup, which is normally a low-impact exercise in futility but looks hard the way I do it. That's why I take a lot of breaks, often stopping in the middle of a joke to catch my breath, or blame the crowd for not laughing before the punchline.
You can get tested now for early onset Alzheimer's. Hold on a second, could someone hire a marching band, cause I'm so happy I feel like having a parade. You mean I can find out early if I'm going to die of a super horrible disease that there's no cure for? Well, whoopee!
I Sellotape whole tins of sardines to my face at night, attach two squeezed lemon rinds to my armadillo-skinned elbows, and put cucumber on my eyes. By the time I'm finished, I look like a fruit salad with added fish. In the morning, the pillow is pretty much a write-off.
I think some people really change when they become a dad. Like, I've changed in different ways. I - but, like, my comedy hasn't changed. And I've also seen people do that where you become this - you become a dad, and then all of a sudden, you're trying to be a role model.
I think my wife puts up with me 'cause I try. I think that's all any guy can do is just try. That's right! 'Cause we ain't never gunna get it. 'Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It's like this memo goes out, 'they're getting close, change it, change it!'
Americans are desperately, here on the West Coast, buying up and hoarding iodine pills... Isn't it great that in a land that is divided between conservative morons and liberal pussies, somehow we have managed to find a way to pull together and behave like moronic pussies?
When I first got into this biz called show, I decided I was going to change my name, make it more Hollywood. And you know how you do that? You take your middle name and the first street that you ever lived on. So when I first started, I actually went by Sue Rural Route 2.
If I were to say that I grew up in East Los Angeles in the projects, poor, I assumed that everybody understood that it came with its own reasons for being the way I am. I didn't get that people needed to understand where my comedy came from; I thought that they knew that.
Vengeance, is good. You give it, you get it. It's all part of what makes us human. So thank god for vengeance. Otherwise, the human race might as well just roll over and let another species for a while. I think it will be the cats. Watch 'em. They're cooking up something.
Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!
There's a rumour going 'round that if you amass a certain number of penalty points on your driving licence, the authorities will make you take your test again! Now, if ever there was an incentive to drive carefully, they could not have threatened a more terrifying ordeal.
Here's an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That's pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren't involved, our kids can beat anybody.
With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it.
I didn't appreciate the young woman that I was, or my young beauty, because I was so obsessed with the fact that I felt fat. It's never good to add to anybody else's suffering. It's an important topic to really get the gravity and the importance of - dealing with dignity.
Now on Facebook I have all these 'friends' who used to bully me, and they're like, 'We're so proud! We love you!' They come to shows and want to take a picture, and they're like, 'Don't you remember us?' And I'm like, 'I'm sorry, I don't.' And I feel bad, but I feel good.
I listened to this interview once with Jerry Seinfeld that really influenced my comedy and all of my writing, which is that when you're starting out in comedy, it's the audience that tells you what's funny about you. And you need to listen to that and make a note of that.
There are a lot of actors who don't like reality stars 'cause they feel these people aren't accomplished. They haven't done this or that, but they are savvy. They have found a way to make it work. I could dissect your career all day long, but I'm focused on my own career.
I wasn't a good-looking child. I got screwed out of the genetic deal. My sister looks like a model. I think that's why I'm a comic. I'm deeply insecure, since I was always feeling ugly. I wasn't a healthy child. I had poor self-esteem. That's why I need people's approval.
I'm trying to manufacture a sleepover feel; like a tree house or a clubhouse. I want people to be silly and play and feel safe and some people, you have to coax them into that space and some people bring me further into that space, even past the point that I wanted to go.
I like to read biographies of authors that I love, like Richard Yates. I also like to see what non-fiction authors are out there. My bible is Something Happened. It's one of the greatest books I've ever read. But if I don't read a Dostoevsky soon I'm going to kill myself.
When I was 18, I was halfway up the Eiffel Tower with my friend, Tom, when we decided to stick our heads through the railings. The gap between the railings was exactly the right size to be able to put your head through and nearly get stuck. Which is exactly what happened.
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
I was always interested in comedy, like when I was 5 years old. I watched 'I Love Lucy' and 'Benny Hill.' I would always joke around with my sister. My mom was into comedy, too. She would go to the video store and get a couple of movies and some stand-up comedians' tapes.
I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior. I believe that Jesus died for my sins, and rose again, and that's my belief. I still don't know what 'Christian' means. I'm a follower of Christ, but I keep making a whole bunch of mistakes. And I thank God for forgiveness.
I remember lying out in my bed and looking at the vast, quiet sky. Right up above my head, there were three stars in a row, and I remember thinking, 'Well, I'll have those three stars all my life, and wherever I am, they will be. They are my stars, and they belong to me.'
We don't stop talking about how the world might be better just because we have no chance of making it to Prime Minister. We are all politicians. We are all artists. In an open society everything the mind and hands can achieve is our birthright. It is up to us to claim it.
If you think you're going to have an eternity in which you can talk to Mozart and Chopin and Schopenhauer on a cloud and learn stuff and you know really get to grips with knowledge and understanding and so you won't bother now, I think it's a terrible, a terrible mistake.
Just because we can shoot something that looks like a movie doesn't mean we should. Sometimes if something looks too good, it's not funny. Some things need to look good, because we think it's funny that you'd spend so much time and be so precious about such a stupid idea.