Quotes by Jasper Carrott - Page 1

Happiness to me is simply not being unhappy.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Being Unhappy
Unhappy
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I have to confess here that I am a useless cook.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Cooks
Useless
Confess
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My heart was always in my mouth when I started on a new routine.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Routine
Mouth
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I was never the class clown, and I've no idea where the comedy came from.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Clown
No Idea
Class Clown
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I've always been sensible with my money. I can't say I'm a business genius.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Genius
I Can
Sensible
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The impact of T.V. on our lives in general gets most things out of proportion.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Proportion
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I have realised that my time has come and gone. I'm not bitter, just a realist.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
My Time
Realised
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I want to do things I enjoy, and show business comes fifth or sixth down the line.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Fifth
Show Business
Sixth
Line
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I've played with some very famous bandits in my time on the celebrity golf circuit.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Golf
My Time
Circuit
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Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Drummer
Ringo
World
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Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Drummer
Ringo
Best World He
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Having signed a few autographs in my time, I always wonder what the heck people do with them.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Autographs
My Time
People
Signing Autographs
Wonder
Time Always People
Time People Always
Heck
Signed
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I have that working class fear of having nothing. I've always got one eye on what's in the bank.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Class
Eye
Working Class
Bank
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Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Happiness
Best
Insulin
Laughter
Medicine
Then
Pretty
Diabetic
High
List
Unless
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The whole debate on what food is best for us is complex, ongoing and often controlled by vested interests.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Debate
Ongoing
Vested Interests
Complex
Vested
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I just felt that 'Golden Balls' was the right thing to do. I didn't care if people thought I was a failure.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Failure
Balls
Care
Golden
Right Thing
The Right Thing
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After leaving school, I got a job in a department store not dissimilar to Grace Bros in 'Are You Being Served?'
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Bros
Department
Grace
Department Store
Dissimilar
Served
Store
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When you're six years old, the word 'poo' is the funniest word on God's earth, but this insults my intelligence.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Six
Funniest
Insults
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I learned a lot about human nature. So much, in fact, that human nature will be my specialist subject on 'Mastermind'.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Human Nature
Specialist
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There is no way in my right mind I would contemplate running 26 miles-plus unless it involved a chase with Pamela Anderson.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Running
Mind
Way
Anderson
Chase
Contemplate
Right Mind
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Try telling people in the Seventies that butter was healthier for you than margarine, and they would force feed you with Stork.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Seventies
Butter
Feed
Healthier
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They put up this bloke's picture on Crimewatch UK with a phone number and said 'Have you seen this man?' Well my auntie rang them up and said 'No'.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Men
Numbers
Phones
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I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Music
Amazed
Convinced
Media
Moron
Radio
Begin
Absolute
Dj
Firmly
Stands
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My driving habits are so ingrained that the driving examiner would fail me in the first mile. That's provided he hadn't died of a heart attack by then.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Died
Attack
Fail
Habits
Ingrained
Mile
Provided
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Celador always ask me to do their shows, and I turned down 'Millionaire.' I couldn't have done it as well as Chris Tarrant, or at least I couldn't have done it any better.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Better Always Done
Chris
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I have been known to play a few rounds in my time. I'm not obsessive; I don't play in the dark, but even that's not out of the question because Stevie Wonder is also a golfer.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
My Time
Obsessive
Rounds
Golfer
Stevie
Stevie Wonder
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I have a very happy marriage and friends who keep my feet on the ground. But looking for satisfaction in life is difficult. Maybe being happy is as simple as not being unhappy.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Being Happy
Feet
Happy Marriage
Satisfaction
Satisfaction In Life
Simple
Unhappy
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Touring has been a major part of my career. I've done a lot of huge shows, including a 13-night sell-out stint at the Indoor Arena in Birmingham, playing to a total audience of 65,000.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Arena
Birmingham
Indoor
Major Part
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I started to develop my comedy skills when I became resident singer at the Boggery Folk Club in Solihull. My career blossomed from there, and I became a big draw on the folk-club circuit.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Comedy
Skills
Became
Blossomed
Career
Circuit
Club
Develop
Draw
Folk
Singer
Resident
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Yes, you could call me a tree hugger, an environmentalist, an eco-warrior even - except I don't spend my life in a kaftan, smoking joss sticks and walking a skinny dog on a piece of string.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Environmentalist
Smoking
Sticks
Tree
Life Me My Life
Life Me Tree
String
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I used to be a columnist for 'Golf Monthly' and have contributed articles for national newspapers based on the humour that is in abundance in the game, which is more than can be said of tennis.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Abundance
Articles
Golf
Humour
Newspapers
Tennis
Columnist
Monthly
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When I hit the scene, there was Billy Connolly and Max Boyce. It was all mother-in-law and Irish jokes, and we broke the mould. Now there are thousands of comedians out there, and I don't think I can be above it all.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Broke
Max
Mother In Law
Mould
Scene
Above
Hit
Billy
Comedians
Irish
Thousands
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I should be more vocal about the things I believe are doing us harm, but many years ago in my early twenties, I learned a bit of a lesson. I started to realise at that time the benefits of eating healthy food and drink.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Benefits
Harm
Twenties
Vocal
Lesson
Realise
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I am cursed with a right leg that arouses the desire of any male dog that happens to be passing. I used to think that this only happened to me but I've discovered that many people have the same problem. They have a femme fatale limb.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Funny
Dog
Thinking
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There's a rumour going 'round that if you amass a certain number of penalty points on your driving licence, the authorities will make you take your test again! Now, if ever there was an incentive to drive carefully, they could not have threatened a more terrifying ordeal.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Threatened
Your Will More
Rumour
Drive
Authorities
Carefully
Number
Round
Incentive
Licence
Ordeal
Penalty
Terrifying
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My real name is Bob Davis, but for some reason, I got the name Jasper while playing football at the local rec when I was nine years old, and it just stuck. Years later, when someone asked 'Jasper who?' I just said 'Carrott' - but I have no idea why I came out with that particular word.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Football
Nine
Particular
Stuck
Davis
Asked
Came
Word
Local
Real Name
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If I were to ask you who the first million-pound show winner was on British TV, you'd probably go for Judith Keppel. She was, indeed, the first 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' contestant to win £1 million, but the first one on TV was actually Clare Barwick, who won £1 million on Chris Evans' show 'TFI Friday.'
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
British
Friday
Winner
Ask
Tv
Actually
Show
Chris
First
Contestant
Won
First One
Indeed
Million
She
Wants
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When the amalgam is delivered to your dentist in a special protective box, he has to take extreme caution when handling the stuff: with masks, gloves, gowns, goggles, all needed to protect him from danger. He then drills your teeth and rams the mixture into your cavities, whereupon it becomes miraculously, instantly safe!
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Caution
Danger
Dentist
Drills
Gloves
Protective
Teeth
Extreme
Delivered
Handling
Instantly
Masks
Miraculously
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If you were asked to go on 'Mastermind,' what would your specialist subject be? I wouldn't have a clue what I could answer questions on. Birmingham City Football Club would be a start, I suppose, but with a hundred odd years of history, thousands of matches, players and incidents to recall, even access to Google would leave me struggling.
Jasper Carrott / Comedian
Birmingham
Clue
Incidents
Odd
Suppose
Matches
Recall
Specialist
Struggling
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Jasper Carrott Quotes - Page 1

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