Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I like the Bulls, the Bears - Chicago.
'Malcolm X' was impressionable for me as a kid.
If I'm super scared or sick, I'll still suck my thumb.
My breakfast is usually some oatmeal and berries and some agave, or a protein shake.
I love Nintendo, I'll never not love Nintendo. I want to play new Zeldas, basically.
We all have enemies, but my enemies would probably describe me as surprisingly ruthless.
We definitely have a Wii U. It gets pulled out whenever there's a new great game coming out.
My mom could afford to put us in a Catholic school for grades one through seven, but not after that.
Denver has smart and energetic crowds that appreciate good comedy and don't take themselves too seriously.
When you get to be a certain size as a man, all the shirts end up having giant dogs on them or things like that!
Being nice can be funny. A lot of my jokes are like, 'Let me take a bad situation and try to put the best spin on it.'
I think my comedy is about finding the good in bad situations - finding the joy. Why be angry? It doesn't help anything.
I'm a geek of all general types. I like a little bit of everything, I love comic books, I love pro-wrestling, I love video games.
In any great art, you create a world, and you invite people into that world, and hopefully, it's fleshed out enough and you've explained it well enough.
I've worked as grocery store cashier; I've worked at a bank call center and as a Lady Liberty for Liberty Tax Service dancing around with the sign for a while.
Some of my biggest influences are people like Steven Wright and Todd Berry. I'm a shy person, and I don't think people who aspire to do comedy think that's an option.
I love a good Roy Rogers or Shirley Temple, and I had to give those up. And Philly cheesesteaks. I love Philly cheesesteaks, and now they really aren't around anymore.
Doing five-minute sets on 'Conan' and things like that are fun and a great way to introduce yourself, but it's such a constricting time, and you usually have to cut bits down.
I'm sauteing asparagus, Brussels sprouts,broccoli, some boneless, skinless chicken breast, some halibut. That's about it; that's all I'm allowed. That's what's legal for me to saute.
Chicago is an extremely rough place to grow up in. Especially if you're the only brother on the block that's into bumpin' Alanis Morrisette... So 'You Oughta Know,' I moved to Oregon.
A lady emailed me that her child had been diagnosed with autism and that hearing my material on the subject had helped her. To me, it just means that I'm making the right decision in talking about this.
Trying to maintain your health on the road can be difficult. Especially in the middle of the country where they close by 9 and you're not out of work until midnight. You end up at a McDonald's or Taco Bell.
I think that's the difference between meetings in New York and L.A. In New York, it's like, 'Be there, and be there on time.' In L.A. it's like, 'Oh, we get it. You might have ran into traffic. We'll reschedule.'
Raising a child is like taking care of someone who's on way too many shrooms, while you yourself are on a moderate amount of shrooms. I am not confident in my decisions, but I know you should not be eating a mousepad.
That's one thing I love about my son - he's just a gamer at heart, he loves everything. He'll still play 'Pole Position,' or just old things at an arcade. He just loves games. He's not a graphics snob at all. I love him.
I was always interested in comedy, like when I was 5 years old. I watched 'I Love Lucy' and 'Benny Hill.' I would always joke around with my sister. My mom was into comedy, too. She would go to the video store and get a couple of movies and some stand-up comedians' tapes.
The worst job I ever had was working as a Lady Liberty sign-twirler for a tax services place, where I'd just dance and have fun. The way I talk about it makes it sounds like a fun job - but then I got a staph infection from the costume. So that was probably the worst part about it.
I look forward to going to Chicago because it's where I grew up, and the food there is so munch. Especially during the winter, I get deep dish pizza or Italian beef, and it warms me up. It's something I don't normally get, especially here in L.A. where you're always trying to be healthy.
I think I'd probably be really good friends with Hulk Hogan. I think we'd get along, and I'd, like, chill him out because he'd be all rambunctious and rowdy, and I'd be like, 'Chill out, Hulk Hogan. Everything will be okay.' And he'd be like, 'Thanks, Ron.' And then we'd form a friendship.