Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.
Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
I think extreme sports are really good for relieving stress.
I've just swum the length of the Thames. I feel quite tired.
We sit in a room for months trying to think of funny things.
Social satire has been around since people have been around.
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.
I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference.
The only good thing about the good old days is they're gone.
Ninety percent of the people who come to see me are my fans.
The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.
J-Lo finally married into her own music genre. Crappy music.
I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
I've got better things to do than read rubbish about myself.
I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.
Tune into your own capacities and always make time for sleep
Originality is never embraced as quickly as the commonplace.
I must look past my capabilities and see God's possibilities
Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet.
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.
If you build a better mousetrap, you will catch better mice.
I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.
I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.
Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns
I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills
Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement.
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.
A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.
I was too ignorant to realize, "Oh, this will be difficult."
Diet Coke with lemon - didn't that used to be called Pledge?
You might be a redneck if you own at least 20 baseball hats.
Women are more emotional, and it's natural to talk about it.
Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.