Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
It is as big a mistake to turn down a good shot as it is to take a bad one
The competitions are as much a part of the tradition as the actual dances.
There's a kiss at the end of the rainbow more precious than a pot of gold.
Remember always what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less.
There's a direct correlation between positive energy and positive results.
If you're dumb enough to do crack, you're supposed to die. It's evolution.
Ecstasy is a drug so powerful, it makes white people think they can dance.
A responsive crowd is great - they help you see new things in your comedy.
I've known Chevy Chase for so long, I actually knew him when he was funny!
Don't bring your kids to my show, and I won't come to your house and cuss.
All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.
And the goal really is to make the audience laugh, to bring them some joy.
You're mugging old ladies every bit as much if you pinch their pension fund
A collison is what happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian.
Dick Martin, if you put a gun to his forehead, he couldn't tell you a joke.
Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?
We live in a society that makes it really easy for these pussies to get by.
Jiu-Jitsu has been one of the most valuable tools I've ever had in my life.
Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire.
I just find little things in life funny, it's why I giggle during my shows.
If I see someone out there mouthing the words to a bit, I'm not having fun.
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
Without great writing, you've got a bunch of actors bumping into each other.
With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs.
I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.
If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.
Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.
You can stump any stoner with one question: What were we just talking about?
Never stay in a bad marriage, and don't hang around with psycho coke fiends.
Stand-up is successful if they laugh. It's unsuccessful if they don't laugh.
Describing yourself as edgy is one of the least edgy things a person can do.
I call myself a comic.But I started as an actress. I did plays since I was 5.
I really am a chick from Long Island who's just learning along with everyone.
When you're offstage, that's the footprint. That's the man God's gonna judge.
For a comedian, there is nothing better than watching another great comedian.
I used to be kind of bitter and jealous as well, but I get it. It's business.
I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.
If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.
I get giddy with the idea of stringing words together that make people laugh.
The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.
Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.
My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.
I want the roast to be like a party where everybody goes and has a good time.
Life is tough, and if we don't laugh, we're going to - our head will explode.
I do speak well as I went to a posh school. But I come from no real breeding.
The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.