Top 100 Humor Quotes of All Time

A short, finished list rather than an endless feed: 100 of the best humor quotes ever written, picked out of the full humor archive on QuoteForever. You will find Chelsea Handler, Chris Rock, Dave Barry and Bill Cosby among them.

Read the list top to bottom, or use it as a starting point - every author name links to everything else they said, and every quote has its own page you can share or turn into an image.

1

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.

2

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

3

I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together.

4

All in all, I think that out of all musical genres, the world of metal is the most escapist one. Metal is also music for people who think for themselves. I think metalheads are smart people who possess a healthy dose of self-irony and a good sense of humor, and that appeals to me. I felt a strong affinity with the scene from the first moment on.

5

Three minutes thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

6

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.

7

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.

8

Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.

9

Zen... does not confuse spirituality with thinking about God while one is peeling potatoes. Zen spirituality is just to peel the potatoes.

10

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

11

Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.

12

I have a very dark sense of humor.

13

This island is made mainly of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organizing genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish at the same time.

14

Why are men impersonating women funny while women impersonating men are not? It is a matter of gravity. A heavy thing trying to become lighter is automatically funnier than a light thing trying to become heavy.

15

The things that matter most are not things.

16

Advice is sometimes transmitted more successfully through a joke than grave teaching.

17

My makeup wasn't smeared, I wasn't disheveled, I behaved politely, and I never finished off a bottle, so how could I be alcoholic?

18

This shed does not contain me.

19

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit."

20

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

21

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

22

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

23

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

24

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

25

A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.

26

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

27

Seeing is believing to most families who have lived with a drinker.

28

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

29

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

30

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

31

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

32

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.

33

I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

34

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.

35

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

36

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

37

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

38

What do gardeners do when they retire?

39

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

40

In good times, people want to advertise; in bad times, they have to.

41

Comedy holds the greatest risk for an actor, and laughter is the reward.

42

It means 'Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234'.

43

Jesus!" Luke exclaimed. "Actually, it's just me," said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling.

44

The real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton.

45

I certainly didn't say while writing 'Gossip Girl,' 'Oh this is going to be big!' It was really like, 'Oh god, everyone's gong to hate these people! They're so bratty!' But I actually think what is so appealing about them is the humor in them.

46

Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is a train.

47

The United States is the greatest law factory the world has ever known.

48

Good Humor is the best shield against the darts of satirical raillery

49

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

50

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

51

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

52

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

53

I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.

54

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.

55

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

56

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

57

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

58

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

59

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

60

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

61

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"

62

By his provocations to good-natured merriment, a humorist of the first water contributes as much to the sum of happiness as the gravest philosopher.

63

Certainly, anyone whom I've witnessed, who has gone through something horrible and life-changing, has a sense of ironic humor, or an ability to look at the peculiarities of the world and find humor in it.

64

Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.

65

I will say that as I get older and calmer and quieter in my own self, the one quality in a woman that I find more and more attractive is kindness. A sense of adventure and humor is important too, but I truly find kindness and consideration for others to be the most attractive thing in anyone.

66

Whole phases of comedy have become empty; the comic rejoinder has become every man's tool.

67

If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'

68

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

69

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

70

The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.

71

My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!

72

The blind see what they want to see.

73

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

74

I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.

75

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

76

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

77

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

78

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

79

So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

80

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

81

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

82

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

83

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

84

Don't get me wrong. I like Disney World. The rest rooms are clean enough for neurosurgery, and the employees say things like "Howdy, folks!" and actually seem to mean it. You wonder: Where do they get these people? My guess: 1952. I think old Walt realized, way back then, that there would eventually be a shortage of cheerful people, so he put all the residents of south western Nebraska into a giant freezer with a huge picture of Jiminy Cricket on the outside, and the corporation has been thawing them out as needed ever since.

85

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"

86

Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as 'viruses,' 'worms,' 'Trojan horses' and 'licensed Microsoft software' that can take over your computer and render it useless.

87

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

88

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

89

You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous.

90

No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack.

91

I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.

92

Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

93

Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.

94

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

95

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

96

Great marketing only makes a bad product fail faster.

97

We go where our deepest desires take us.

98

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

99

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

100

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

More Humor quotes

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