Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Heaven will be inherited by every man who has heaven in his soul.
I love poking fun at myself. I have a rather mean sense of humor.
I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!
If we don't have a sense of humor, we lack a sense of perspective
Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.
The best scary movies have great humor in them and a great story.
He hasn't an enemy in the world, and none of his friend like him.
Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.
I sure hope you're staying alive for the upcoming Dodgers series.
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I love the vulgar. I kind of have the humor of a 17-year-old boy.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go there.
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
The woman who knew that I had dyslexia - I never interviewed her.
I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
I've heard the call. I believe God wants me to run for president.
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?
When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.
There's Adam Clymer, major league asshole from The New York Times.
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"
The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ's playlist.
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
Quotas are bad for America. It's not the way America is all about.
For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.
I don't think humor is forced upon my universe; it's a part of it.
When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool.
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness.
Confidence and a good sense of humor can usually win a chick over.
A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.
She's just trying to make sure Anthony gets a good meal - Antonio.
Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
I think Canadian humor is a little less broad than American humor.
I challenge anyone, even with a radar machine, to hit that slider.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so ... look at the platypus.
I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.
Politics is the art of achieving prestige and power without merit.