Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The law of levity is allowed to supersede the law of gravity.
It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.
He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.
The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not its mineral rights.
When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.
The only thing I use my body for is to carry my brain around.
Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
The faults of the burglar are the qualities of the financier.
Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
I think great humor lies in playing the truth of a situation.
The tongue is the only instrument that gets sharper with use.
The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.
I don't know if my sense of humor goes over Americans' heads.
Humor comes from the surprise release of some buried tension.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
The suicide bombings have increased. There's too many of them.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
An Irishman needs three things : silence, cunnning, and exile.
If you look at terrorists, they really have no sense of humor.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Right now Andy Larkin is pitching just like young Andy Larkin.
New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
What is amusing now had to be taken in desperate earnest once.
I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all Jazz is for.
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.
The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.
Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.
The sky is so clear today you can see all the way to Missouri.
My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.
Anyone ever lost in the wild knows that nature wants you dead.
What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!
I regard the writing of humor as a supreme artistic challenge.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.