Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It was all about wanting to get revenge. Pathetic, really, but it still is the motivation.
I'm not sure how aware of the rest of the world I am. I live a rather sheltered existence.
I know I don't want to take the Lord's name in vain, and I don't want to drop any F-bombs.
My only ambition was to get to 50, and not regret not having had a crack at being a comic.
If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!
My curiosity is not a choice. It's always been part of me. I think of it as a vital organ.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
I realised that to compare your insides with other people's outsides leads to unhappiness.
I think that gay people should have the right to get married by Elvis like everybody else.
We don't help people by showing them our trophies. We help them by showing them our scars.
My wife is so stupendously ugly it is easier to take her with me than to kiss her goodbye.
Stereotypes exist because there's always some truth to stereotypes. Not always, but often.
Trump doesn't go a day without worrying me. It seems like every day there's something new.
Well, I think my stand-up is often kind of visual. Not like Carrot Top visual, but visual.
People are still crazy about Python after twenty-five years, which I find hard to believe.
The ability to workshop in stand-up comedy is incomparable to any art form, in my opinion.
War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
My husband was so ugly, he used to stand outside the doctor’s office and make people sick.
If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.
For artistic fulfillment I prefer to work live. For career advancement, I go to the media.
Cheap liquor is a magic potion that can turn you into a puppet cowboy before it kills you.
I'm so beyond genre, drama, comedies, I just want to do really good, interesting projects.
Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together
I have short-term memory loss, though I'd like to think of it as Persidential eligibility.
My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.
The only Batman that doesn't need parodying is Adam West, but everybody else is fair game.
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
There's some belting hymns. Brilliant hymns. When I was an altar boy the hymns were great.
If people get their feelings hurt from jokes, then they are too delicate to be in society.
The people I make fun of most are white people. They're the dumbest ones. They really are.
To be in a video is a ridiculous thing. It's almost impossible to do it without any humour
I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying till I get it right.
What makes 'Derek' a different kind of sitcom - if it is even a sitcom - is its sincerity.
London audiences are the most challenging around - it's a group of such diverse strangers.
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I'm endlessly fascinated by parenting, marriage, my wife and the ins and outs of marriage.
You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
I was the first member of my family to cross into Pakistan and find his ancestral village.