Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There's news that happens in different spheres and can be made just as funny, but it's not necessarily in the normal news medium.
(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?
I've been reading a lot of books on history, and watching a lot of educational TV. Wikipedia too, even though it is not reliable.
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.
When you are kind to someone in trouble, you hope they'll remember and be kind to someone else. And it'll become like a wildfire.
I live by 'Earnin' and burnin'.' Meaning, I like to make money and spend it before I even have it. That's the way I live my life.
I'm a Progressive. Much in the same way our founding fathers - who, oddly enough, wouldn't get elected today - were Progressives.
I sold steaks over the phone in Omaha, Nebraska. Marbling, fantastic. That's what makes a great steak; a lot of people don't know.
Performers like Tommy Cooper, who are always getting things wrong, are much more endearing than comedians who are sassy and smart.
If I won the lottery I'd start a charity that helped little family hardware stores, cobblers and fruit shops open in city centres.
If you want to write something of length, however modern and radical, you must live the life of an elderly gentleman of the 1950s.
I'm not afraid to say it - I'm proud to be from a nation that wears its heart on its sleeve and isn't scared to show its feelings.
I'm going out... because I deserve to go out! And I'm going to get drunk... because I deserve to get drunk! And get out of my way!
I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color.
No sooner my kids leave their friends than they start texting them. And it's all in code in a language I totally don't understand.
Unemployment is down, confidence is up, DOW 5,000 above Bush - or as Republicans put it, let's talk about gay people and abortion!
Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs - another blonde airhead.
I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!
Everybody has a magazine and a channel. There are 500 channels and 500 magazines, and we wonder why we're not united as a country.
The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.
When I was child, I was intoxicated by celebrities, showbiz and theatre, but from a child's perspective, where they seem far away.
If you're pretty, you want to be ugly. If you're loud, you want to play quiet. You always want to challenge people's expectations.
I grew up in New York, so I had a lot of access to all kinds of movies, and I would handwrite reviews of them on loose-leaf paper.
People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist... how do we fix Africa?'
I work really hard on the shows and I think the shows speak for themselves. I don't want to construct the show to prove something.
Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent for that.
Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.
In the creative sense, I'm looking forward to collaborating with people I have mutual respect for to create some really good work.
I'd like a pop-up magazine with 45 articles on Russell Crowe. I'm like a teenager. I'd have 'Teen Beat' if I could, for grown-ups.
I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
As a woman, we should all stop talking about it and just acknowledge what's happened and act like we own the space, because we do.
I think if you're gonna do something as silly and lighthearted as entertainment, then why not be interesting when you're doing it?
Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!
I want to really take chances. I want to be funny in a lot of different ways. I'd like to be great. I want to reach for greatness.
If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.
My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.
I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school
Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.
We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.
It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.
Clever, witty and absorbing, Amortality is a much-needed anatomy of our profound malaise about ageing. Its charms will never fade.
I don't have a lot to share with other men. My heart sinks when I get into a taxi and someone starts talking to me about football.
A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
An insult comic is the title I was given. What I do is exaggeration. I make fun of people, at life, of myself and my surroundings.
I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.