Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It's an old Aboriginal word meaning 'Let's get together and have fun'. They gave us the word because they had no further need for it.
I'm writing a science book - a sort of compendium of all the ways I've found of explaining things to my artsy friends over the years.
When I was coming up the DC Improv was considered the best Improv out there. It's always been high quality stuff coming out of there.
I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.
But if your work is your art, a personal reflection of who you are, the only person who can do that better than you, is a future you.
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.
I never, ever in my life tried to be outrageous. I've only ever tried to say what was truly on my mind and not pull punches about it.
How can the Republicans get away with picking their Dennis Kucinich, but when - if the Democrats tried it, all hell would break lose?
We weren't rich people, but my parents and I shared an interest in the theater and so we went a lot. And that definitely inspired me.
The 'Billy On The Street' persona is truly inspired by who I was as a child - obviously not having an adult perspective on the world.
I grew up listening to Steve Martin and Robin Williams, so I didn't ever intend to be a musical comedian. I sort of stumbled into it.
Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.
Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.
You can take my dirtiest, craziest joke, and I can break down in my head why there's a good, honest, honorable reason for telling it.
I've got the long hair and kind of androgynous look. It's love-hate; it's sexy, but not sexy. So it's either you get it or you don't.
You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.
Mainstream culture is like your mom: It's always a little late to catch on and gets easily confused by technology, but it means well.
If you over-think, it affects things too much; I work instinctively, like painting in a way. Think too much, and you ruin everything.
Being a comedian is a lot like being an athlete. If you're Carl Lewis and you're the fastest, then no matter what you're the fastest.
Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"
The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.
Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.
Fighting a war on terrorism is like fighting against crime. We can never hope to eradicate crime, so we shouldn't bother fighting it.
Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.
The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.
One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?
I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.
If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
I'm completely ecstatic when a woman has own back story and brings something to the table and has a real strong kind of independence.
My wife asked me once if I weren't a comedian, what I would do. I couldn't answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.
It was very exciting to see Alan Sugar, so I think I've peaked with excitement for the evening, because I'm a massive Apprentice fan.
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line.
TV evangelists say they don't favor any particular denomination, but I think we've all seen their eyes light up at tens and twenties.
Sometimes, I knew generally what I was going to do, but I've never written anything down. Call it a sixth sense: the lines just come.
I almost did the knee-jerk thing of saying Judge Judy is funny to me, but I just don't have the patience for the format of that show.
Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!
I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible.
Life took over 4 billion years to evolve into you, and you've about 70 more years to enjoy it. Don't just pursue happiness, catch it.
I have been very blessed in my life and rewarded with good friends and good health. I am grateful and happy to be able to share this.
What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.
If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.
The SNP are far from radical, but they do have a knack for producing the odd simple, progressive policy that's hard to argue against.
Comedy is a terrible way to meet women. It's certainly a way to start talking to them, but they always have preconceptions about you.