Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.
[Motherhood is] the biggest gamble in the world. It is the glorious life force. It's huge and scary-it's an act of infinite optimism.
Show business is like riding a bicycle - when you fall off, the best thing to do is get up, brush yourself off and get back on again.
People like to compare something to something that they know. Even with Chris Rock, they say he's like Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy.
I could maybe coach kids' basketball. I know enough about basketball where I feel like I could coach 12-year-olds pretty effectively.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
When Communist U.S.S.R. was a superpower, the world was better off. The right-wing media is trying to marginalize the peace movement.
The circus doesn't stop. A federal appeals court has postponed the recall election. How stupid are we? Even our recalls get recalled.
Here's an interesting figure: 43 percent of the incoming congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats.
President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?
You might be a redneck if you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.
I have the bigger iPad, but the Mini is the best. It just seems perfect. The old one seems so big and heavy. I like simple and clean.
You get crushes on people. You have to see them every day in that week. They're a fantastic person, and it could be a man or a woman.
The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.
During the Great Depression, when people laughed their worries disappeared. Audiences loved these funny men. I decided to become one.
If there's a woman who is exhibiting her femininity or performing her femininity, it's always seen as meant to pull in the male gaze.
I am beyond excited to share 'Transparent' with the world through Amazon. They've been so supportive through this incredible process.
As an actor, you deal with so much rejection and humiliation. When the good things come around, you tend not to trust your instincts.
While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.
Almost said 'theater'! But I know the blacks don't go! Unless it's that My Arms Are Too Short To Box With God production. Or The Wiz.
What rock n' roll was supposed to be about was getting loose, enjoying it, going a little crazy, and not caring how you act or dress.
When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.
I feel lucky that I'm working at all. I don't take any job for granted. I enjoy this. It's all enjoyable for me. It's all part of it.
I enjoy writing but I wouldn't want to do it all the time because generally you are not writing about things you want to write about.
I don't know the statistics, but I wouldn't be surprised to find out that a disproportionate number of comics come from broken homes.
I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.
When you're done [with writing a book], people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this!"
There's a lot of guy comics who I think are funny, but I generally am more excited about a special or a show where there are females.
Success came to us at an age where we could enjoy it. We went through a lot of hard times, so we appreciate success all the more now.
I am a poker player, but I am not a good poker player. My favorite game is seven card stud, but I'll play hi/lo, Hold 'em, Razz, etc.
Now, what sort of person would write a scene where a young man stumbles upon a castle full only of beautiful young women? Answer: ME!
Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.
Once you start writing something obsessively, it's almost like someone has to rip it from your hands in order for you to put it down.
One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.
Remember when movies were just good or bad, before auteurs, film festivals, and guys from USC who were the first to shoot underwater?
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
Dean Martin's great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, I see the cotton, but where's the gin? Never got a dinner!
George Burns, what a man. He read in the paper that it takes ten dollars a year to support a kid in India. So he sent his kids there.
I was in punk rock bands, heavy metal bands, world music bands, jazz groups, any type of music that would take me. I just love music.
If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.
Enjoy life. Have fun. Be kind. Have worth. Have friends. Be honest. Laugh. Die with dignity. Make the most of it. It's all we've got.
Very bad things follow when we kid ourselves that we're naturally rational, rather than the more humbling truth: naturally emotional.
It was quite an honour when 'New Woman' magazine voted me 88th sexiest man in the world. I think I was one in front of David Cameron.
Even as a junkie I stayed true [to vegetarianism] - 'I shall have heroin, but I shan't have a hamburger.' What a sexy little paradox.