Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.
If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.
When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.
If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it's still a negative. You're just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.
Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.
I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.
A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
I couldn't sell air conditioners on a 98-degree day. When I demonstrated them in a showroom, I pushed the wrong button and blew the circuit.
If you get too well-known, you can never be a comedian's comedian, it just won't sit well. But I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that label.
I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."
A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.
Somebody once said that Hollywood is based on a lot of producers deliberately making bad movies, and every now and then somebody gets lucky.
If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.
Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself.
If I ever have downtime, I'm usually sitting in my place playing video games. Or eating sandwiches somewhere, or watching sports some place.
'SNL' doesn't have a traditional writer's room. On Monday, there's the pitch meeting with the guest, and I played that like it was stand-up.
2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"
To be labeled pathetic because you enjoy the company of a loving creature who is always down to hang out, sleep, and eat with you is unfair.
Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama.
President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?
According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?
The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that's President Bush's Father's Day gift to his Dad.
At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what's the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items -- like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.
President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot.
We're leaving the House to people who either were born with a silver spoon in their mouth... or couldn't get better jobs in the first place.
Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have
There has been this belief among the Catholic community - and this - I'm no expert, this is my opinion - that cafeteria Catholics are wrong.
I'm afraid of a couple things. I'm afraid of getting caught up in other people's expectations, because I feel like that's an ongoing battle.
Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.
People associate me with being pernickety and down. In the past, I was guilty of keeping myself like that just to maintain my comic persona.
When earth gets good and crowded, like 15th century England, then some new Pilgrims are gonna rocket their Mayflowers to a new solar system.
If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.
I get sort of short with people and start grumbling and clearing my throat - in honor of my father - when I'm impatient. It's very charming.
It's very likely that graduates, current employees and retirees have some wonderful pieces of Deer Park history in their closets or garages.
Comedy can take you a lot further in getting your point across. People are entertained, and then, by being entertained, they get your point.
What I write is emotionally honest and truthful as the human experience can be, to make people feel less alone, or at least that's the hope.
I'm a comedian, and the other comedians are played by comedians, the same way that in 'Once' there are the musicians that hang out together.
I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"
Black women, white women- all of them. I'm colorblind. I don't know the difference. I only know you're a human being and you're my children.
The rules may seem obvious but when you think about them they're not. For somebody who has my job they're not as obvious as one would think.
You know, like, real paying attention and real observation and deep thought and deep consideration can be a bit, you know, miserable-making.