Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage.
My name is "A Pimp named Slickback" Wait... A Pimp?? ... Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime.
My favorite type of pet has always been a dog. They're loyal, kind, and offer endless affection. My friend Eric says, 'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.' Funny thought.
To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people.
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.
Losing streaks are funny. If you lose at the beginning you got off to a bad start. If you lose in the middle of the season, you're in a slump. If you lose at the end, you're choking.
I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"
I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing - unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'
I take music pretty seriously. You see that scar on my wrist? You see that? You know where that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again. I couldn't take it, OK!
The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.
Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!
Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite.
I'm very silly as a person, but quality silliness on-screen has more of an art to it. Harrison Ford, whom I was in Morning Glory with, has mastered that dry funny better than anyone.
"More fun than a barrel of monkeys." Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky, if not downright vicious, a barrelful of monkeys would be, especially once released from the barrel?
I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.
If you don't know how to die, don't worry; Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately. She will do this job perfectly for you; don't bother your head about it.
Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause ? you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.
A young boy shouldn't be given up for hopeless just because he's lazy, surly, and good for nothing. Don't be discouraged by those things - maybe he's just trying to be like his daddy.
Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you're trying to save money for when you split up your property.
Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so irritating.
People in my family and camp who grew up listening to rap music love 'We Are Young.' I've heard it play at weddings. I've heard it in graduation parties. It's a big idea and big song.
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.
It is easy to forget that the most important aspect of comedy, after all, its great saving grace, is its ambiguity. You can simultaneously laugh at a situation, and take it seriously.
I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.
The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.
I have a spaniel that defrocked a nun last week. He took hold of the cord. I had hold of the leash. It was like elephants holding tails. Imagine me undressing a nun, even second hand.
I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.
A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."
I am not one to turn down macaroni and cheese, even late at night. I love Italian food. I love pasta... A refrigerator full of water and Gatorade? Honey, that's just not gonna happen.
In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don't want the spotlight on me.
Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off.
Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, "Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!"
The guys on the stunt team are really fantastic. It's really funny, because for all the aggression they have to display on screen, they're actually really happy, good- natured people.
The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is 'What does a woman want?'
I think someone should design exercise machines that reward people with sex at the end of their workouts, because people will perform superhuman feats for even the faint hope of that.
I was fired from an NBC sitcom called 'Friends With Benefits.' I was wrong for the part from the beginning, didn't even want to audition, and kept thinking, 'This isn't funny at all.'
The idea of taking a brand that already exists and making a really poor-looking version of it, with acrylic or puffy paint, is really aesthetically pleasing to my eyes and also funny.
I love New York. I was sad, depressed and incredibly moved by our fellow countrymen and what they've done. I wanted to give people a chance to see something funny, have a distraction.
If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill."
I want to push that no matter what race you are, you're never just a sidekick or broken character. You're the main character, you're the funny character, you can be whatever you want.
When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.