Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
I'd find the fellow who lost it [million dollars], and, if he was poor, I'd return it.
Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
Moms Mabley said you have to say good things about the dead. I say, 'He's dead. Good.'
Man is a slow, sloppy and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast, accurate and stupid.
Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call Destiny.
Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk.
Every animal leaves traces of what it was; man alone leaves traces of what he created.
Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.
Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.
There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.
When I lost my decathlon world record I took it like a man. I only cried for ten hours.
As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist."
We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow. Our wiser sons, no doubt will think us so.
It's a one-to-one dialogue. You open your mouth and you're talking to 6 million people.
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
They want to deceive their people first because now they are in a very shabby situation
The first step in exceeding your customer's expectations is to know those expectations.
It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is absolutely fatal.
"Oh!" said my aunt, "I was not aware at first to whom I had the pleasure of objecting."
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows.
If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.
I don't know a lot about politics, but I can recognise a good party man when I see one.
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.
I didn't notice him coming, but he didn't seem to be looking for an autograph signature
A German singer! I should as soon expect to get pleasure from the neighing of my horse.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
Life is laughter when seen in a long shot, but it is a tragedy when seen in a close-up.
We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them...
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
Clint Eastwood's a good friend, too - he and I used to play in softball games together.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
The idea that people feel that they have to be sympathetic to me? It's a funny concept.
For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors and laugh at them in our turn?
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued.
...now and then a giggling trail of mermaids appeared in our wake. We fed them oatmeal.
If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.