Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
The difficulty is not so great to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.
Ugliness is better than beauty. It lasts longer and in the end, gravity will get us all.
I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper.
Some men are like musical glasses; to produce their finest tones you must keep them wet.
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.
Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life.
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'
To get over my divorce, I got a prescription to live at the Playboy Mansion for a while.
Retain a calm heart, sit like a turtle, walk swiftly like a pigeon, and sleep like a dog
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.
The manipulation of statistical formulas is no substitute for knowing what one is doing.
I recently bought a cat, but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed.
Please stop waiting for a map. We reward those who draw maps, not those who follow them.
Out of a hundred years a few minutes were made that stayed with me, not a hundred years.
Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.
Buy real records in real shops, or I'll come round your house and scream at your mother.
You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.
I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.
In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.
The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
I went to college at the University of Kansas, where I got a degree in political science.
Bulldogs have been known to fall on their swords when confronted by my superior tenacity.
The great American novel has not only already been written, it has already been rejected.
You don’t need to be a completely complete human right now … That’s what makes you human.
I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice.
A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.
2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.
As a member of an escorted tour, you don't even have to know the Matterhorn isn't a tuba.
I don't have the first clue who he is talking about, because all I worry about is Jerome.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own punishment with it.
We're definitely going to get Brooklyn christened, but we don't know into which religion.
I really like it. I really, really like it. Ah, ah, ah, ah...buried alive...buried alive.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.