Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.
What do you have when you have an agent buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.
When an Italian tells me it's pasta on the plate, I check under the sauce to make sure.
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Hollywood's a very weird place. I think there's less of everything except for attitude.
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?
You know they invented wheelbarrows to teach FAA inspectors to walk on their hind legs.
We have really everything in common with America nowadays, except, of course, language.
I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians.
Sometimes I think I look like I've had facial reconstructive surgery. Like after burns.
We've put more effort into helping folks reach old age than into helping them enjoy it.
I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.
My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
Really, if the lower orders don't set a good example, what on earth is the use of them?
Ozzie makes a leaping, diving stop, shovels to Fernando and everybody drops everything.
Sheep are stupid, and have to be driven. But goats are intelligent, and need to be led.
I'm not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money.
The path may not be left for an instant. If it could be left, it would not be the path.
There is a strange reluctance on the part of most people to admit that they enjoy life.
There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
You're damn right I do. I'm in Madison Square Garden getting the s*** knocked out of me
Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them.
The clitoris contains 8,000 nerve endings. It makes it easy to have sex. With yourself.
With two laps to go then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is.
People have discovered that they can fool the devil; but they can't fool the neighbors.
I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.
Fox-terriers are born with about four times as much original sin in them as other dogs.
It cannot be when the root is neglected that what springs from it will be well ordered.
The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis.
Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man.
The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’
I wanted to be a dramatic actor. I never realized I was funny until I was 20-something.
If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.
I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers.
If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Sadly, I can't say the same for my Father, who is probably in a different place - Hell.
This is a free country, madam. We have a right to share your privacy in a public place.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.
The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.