Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.
I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.
The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
I know all the bad things that happened in that war. I was in uniform four years myself.
Buttons ... check. Dials ... check. Switches ... check. Little colored lights ... check.
The Opera is obviously the first draft of a fine spectacle; it suggests the idea of one.
There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.
The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.
The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
A husband only worries about a particular Other Man; a wife distrusts her whole species.
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.
The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation.
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags.
It's not brain surgery. It's not nuclear physics. It's television. It's only television.
I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
You know you're living right when you wake up, brush your hair - and confetti falls out!
These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up.
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it.
Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.
The moment somebody says "this is very risky" is the moment it becomes attractive to me.
We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us.
I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case.
When a young man begins to go down hill everything seems to be greased for the occasion.
All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend.
In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs forever and ever.
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
The British civil service ... is a beautifully designed and effective braking mechanism.
My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)
If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.
Even if it doesn't work, there is something healthy and invigorating about direct action
I really think that effective acting has to do literally with the movement of molecules.