Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
In this world, everyone wants to know everything about you, and I think that's funny.
I almost always wear a jacket, but I like different jackets. I also like funny pants.
If I could go into the woods and kill a bear myself, I'd wear it proudly as a trophy.
They call me the confuser. Is he a man... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient.
If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks.
Senescence begins And middle-age ends The day your descendants Outnumber your friends
I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."
If people only knew how much I secretly hated them, they'd love me for holding it in.
We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
The only man you will ever get is some fool named Grady who falls asleep in his soup.
I was just getting acquainted with the wood. I wanted to see if it was maple or pine.
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.
Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
There are secrets I will take to the grave and others I'd feel safer having cremated.
I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones.
If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.
There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbours will say.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.
I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
It's more difficult getting up early in the morning when you're wearing silk pajamas.
I got my sense of humor from my grandmother. You know, my grandmother was very funny.
I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.