Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.
Tension is a habit. Relaxing is a habit. Bad habits can be broken, good habits formed.
I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.
One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise—one of my favorites.
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country.
Sure, I have advice for people starting to write. Don't. I don't need the competition.
My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
The Cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river.
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: His sins were scarlet, but his books were read.
Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.
Enos Cabell started out here with the Astros, and before that he was with the Orioles.
This is the great fault of wine; it first trips up the feet: it is a cunning wrestler.
My mother married a very good man ... and she is not at all keen on my doing the same.
I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself.
If I want to act relaxed, it's going to take all my cunning, skill, and concentration.
I'll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I'll go, 'Wow, he's really not a very good actor!'
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
I call myself the Amusement Park. That's because I'm funny and scary at the same time.
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.
Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Saddam International Airport
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
The world's strongest animals are plant eaters. Gorillas, Buffaloes, Elephants and me.
A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.
The superior man acts before he speaks, and afterwards speaks according to his action.
You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
I used to own a dingy and can still sail one if pushed, but I like the pleasure boats.
As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.
I refuse to admit that I am more than 52, even if that makes my children illegitimate.
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.