Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!
I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.
Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties
With today's movies, if we took out all the bad language, we'd go back to silent films.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
It's a wonderful world. It may destroy itself but you'll be able to watch it all on TV.
The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.
If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.
All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.
I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.
I have this terrific make-up man. But he's expensive. I have to bring him in from Lourdes.
I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.
If he slices the budget like he slices a golf ball, the nation has nothing to worry about.
I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.
My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.
I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.
There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.
Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the Presidency.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me.
We're on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It's a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf.
I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that I have a caddie.
Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.
It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.
Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?
Gerry Ford is easy to spot on the course. He drives the cart with the red cross painted on top.
Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?
She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.
Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.
I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there.
Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.
If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.
I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns.
Perfume acts as an anesthetic. By the time she floats a little your way, you'll promise her anything.
It was a great honour to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. I didn't know they had a caddie division.
Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.
I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.
I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?
The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.