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On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he's now my golf bag.
I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.
Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers.
I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.
I've been married fifty-five years and I've been home three weeks.
I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees.
You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.
The home videos aren't as good, but they are seeming to get better.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.
Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.
Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one.
A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.
I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King.
I've been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.
Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands
If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it.
The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.
Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.
The only time to believe any kind of rating is when it shows you at the top.
President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes.
I don't know what people have against government; they haven't done anything.
I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.
I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.
Everybody knows what California smog is - that's fog with the vitamins removed.
I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four.
Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure.
Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you're God's frozen people.
I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
Audiences are my best friends. You never tire of talking with your best friends.
It's not hard to find Gerry Ford on a golf course - you just follow the wounded.
I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.
Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.
US President Gerald Ford's golf was so bad we thought he was a 'Hitman for the PGA!
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.