Humorous Quotes

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This collection holds 1,836 humorous quotes, drawn from writers, leaders, artists and thinkers across the QuoteForever archive. The most quoted voices here are Narendra Modi, Joseph Joubert and Art Hoppe.

They are ordered so that each author has a say before anyone repeats, which means the first page gives you the range of the topic rather than one writer's back catalogue. Quotes that come with a ready-made image appear first, so anything you want to share is one tap away.

Use the grid and list views to change how much of each quote you see, follow an author's name to read everything else they said, or open a quote on its own page to copy it, share it, or turn it into a picture quote.

Mind is never a problem. Mindset is - Narendra Modi

Mind is never a problem. Mindset is

Ask the young. They know everything. - Joseph Joubert

Ask the young. They know everything.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? - Art Hoppe

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human ... - Benjamin Disraeli

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.

If exposure of body is modernism, then animals are more modern than ... - Zakir Naik

If exposure of body is modernism, then animals are more modern than humans.

You'd be amazed how much research you can get done when you have no ... - Ernest Cline

You'd be amazed how much research you can get done when you have no life whatsoever.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the ... - Johnny Carson

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently ... - Kingsley Amis

He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, ... - Norman Wisdom

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

Nobody uses his car in New York, because so many people use it that ... - George Mikes

Nobody uses his car in New York, because so many people use it that traffic is congested and unbearably slow.

Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good ... - Martin Fowler

Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is ... - Mark Twain

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

The male - I have found - is a domestic animal which, if treated with ... - Jilly Cooper

The male - I have found - is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in ... - Will Rogers

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Part of the reason for the ugliness of adults, in a child's eyes, is ... - George Orwell

Part of the reason for the ugliness of adults, in a child's eyes, is that the child is usually looking upwards, and few faces are at their best when seen from below.

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. ... - Brian Kernighan

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.

Hemingway was a jerk.

God help the patient.

My life needs editing.

All geniuses die young.

What does he stand for?

Better laid than never.

I like children - fried.

I think; therefore I am.

Write drunk; edit sober.

A pear is a failed apple.

I'm sorry. I don't recall

All for one; one for all.

I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Character doesn't matter.

Vote early and vote often.

Wit is educated insolence.

Talkers are no good doers.

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

Life's too short for chess.

The President's very shrewd

Fate laughs at probabilities.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

All men are equal before fish.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

I would have made a good pope.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

A witty saying proves nothing.

The heart wants what it wants.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Innovation is hard to schedule.

Jaw-jaw is better than war-war.

My mother was the making of me.

A joke is a very serious thing.

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