Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.
I don't just want to upset people and shock people by saying something really outrageous.
I think it’s better to have ideas. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier.
Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.
We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.
Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.
I love all that stuff like 'Tales From The Crypt,' 'Twlight Zone,' and 'Amazing Stories.'
Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.
Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.
It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.
I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.
I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.
I just want to be happy, have kids, enjoy my life, help others and create some good work.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.
If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
I'm a tad paranoid. I think the person in front of me is following me the long way round.
You got to die of something because if you die of nothing, they won't pay your insurance.
You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'
Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.
Writers tend to suffer from back problems because they spend their time bent over a desk.
I'm kind of the antithesis of a comedian. People that don't like me will agree with that.
An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.
I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.
Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!
A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.
I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
Did you ever feel as if the whole world was a tuxedo, and you were a pair of brown shoes?
Did you ever get the feeling that the world is a tuxedo and you're a pair of brown shoes?
Want to shut a racist white guy's mouth. Put him around Super human athletic black dudes.
I imagine 'Daily Grace' as, like, your awkward older sister who tries to give you advice.
My dad was an insane workaholic, and watching his work ethic gave me a lot of motivation.