Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I have got a fantastic life and I just like to get on with it, and I am quite a private person.
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
The key to a long and healthy marriage is that, honestly, there's nothing worth fighting about.
I guess you heard, Hillary Clinton has a new campaign slogan: "I've fallen and I can't get up!"
I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke but I don't want to get audited by the IRS.
Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.
Every year Steve Kaufman supports the charity “Love Ride” by donating a painting to this cause.
I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
You might be a redneck if...you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
You might be a redneck if your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You might be a redneck if you grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
I know everyone says they go to yoga, but I actually really go. I notice that helps me so much.
Parenthood can be very rewarding, but let's face it, so are margaritas at the adults-only pool.
Pity? You don't want to be pitied because you're a cripple in a wheelchair? Stay in your house!
I've had the greatest respect for my work in this country by Americans. Critics have no brains.
I almost resent being Charley Moviestar. Yeah, I'm grateful. But it takes me away from my kids.
Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.
The more horrible the truth that you admit, the better you connect. You have to tell the truth.
Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?
Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.
I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.
I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
Bill O'Reilly, Megyn Kelly and Sean Hannity are the Mount Rushmore of keeping old people angry.
When women go off together we call it separatism. When men go off together we call it Congress.
I've been down in Florida since 1979. When you're born in Nebraska you really can't explain it.
If I am old-fashioned, it's not a conscious decision. I just do material that I think is funny.
Loads of blokes think they're funny, but it counts for nothing unless you get up and have a go.
There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.
Truth be told, when you start your career out as a clown, you don't consider yourself a writer.
I love stand-up more than anything, and I'm so happy to have found a way to use it in the show.
Comedians and people in general have a cultural right to talk about their own culture and race.
Here's the Middle East. Here's the mosque, here's the church, open the temple, everybody's MAD!
I watch old school film so that I can learn so much that I just sort of miss all the new stuff.
At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.
I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"
Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
I got married and we had a relatively simple wedding and there were not a lot of thrills to it.
I just approach everything by just doing the best job I can do and try to be a pleasant person.
It's got more cosmopolitan, and it's lost its uniqueness, but Australia is still a great place.
I remember taking mushrooms at the wrap party, it was like the first and last time I took that.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex, so he knows what rejection feels like.
I have that language and that set of skills to step out of the way and make music the priority.
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.