Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!
My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.
I think I'm a narcoleptic. I could sleep on a railway track with a train running over me, in-between the rails.
I'd love to do something on 'Mad Men.' Or play Peter Dinklage's cousin on 'Game of Thrones.' That would be fun.
I got to work with Ron Perlman. I've been a fan of his forever, since he was Vincent on 'Beauty and the Beast.'
When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.
You know you're getting old when kids start to dress like you used to and movies are made about your teen life.
People think writing a children's book is something you could do in an afternoon but it's actually really hard.
The left promises abortion rights and cradle to the grave protection, so the trick is to make it to the cradle.
America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.
Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.
I buy about $1,500 worth of papers every month. Not that I trust them. I'm looking for the crack in the fabric.
Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper.
Diana Krall I met in, I think it was Canada. She's a lovely lady. Her husband, Elvis Costello, is a great star.
A kid asked me for advise about getting into entertainment? I said you better know how to be happy being broke!
I know there's a lot of nasty humor directed at celebrities, but my feeling is, in most cases, they deserve it.
I'd be hard-pressed to think of anybody who's made me laugh, who's funny, but who's also relentlessly positive.
You can't please everyone, nor should you seek to, because then you won't please anyone, least of all yourself.
Johnny once described our relationship by saying we were as close as two people could be without being married.
Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling.
Michelle Obama was asked when life begins. According to her it's when she and Barack take over the White House.
Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.
Sectarianism is a real problem, but it should be addressed by people engaging with each other - reconciliation.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!"
If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.
People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps.
There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.
Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
I'm smart cause I'm Korean, I'm not so smart cause I'm from the south. They cancel each other out, so I'm even.
You can make people laugh, but having them really want to hear what you have to say, that takes trust and time.
I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
A schmuck is a general term of disrespect. It's a term of contempt and derision. It applies to a lot of people.
There is no way any rational, reasonable person can say that the Bush Administration has been good for America.
After leaving school, I got a job in a department store not dissimilar to Grace Bros in 'Are You Being Served?'
The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.
Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.
Congress voted for tougher laws on corporations. So now when a corporation buys a senator, they need a receipt.
There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.