Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you wish to achieve any success in this life, do your best to surround yourself with an orgy of good choices.
Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.
Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.
If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.
My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.
Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.
We cannot attain the presence of God. We're already totally in the presence of God. What's missing is awareness.
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?
I like the show [Factor] because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays?
Because you make me laugh don't make you a comic. A comedian is a person who, that's how they make their living.
Wouldn't it be a helluva joke if all this were really burnt cork and you people were being tolerant for nuthin'?
Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.
I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.
It's better to play to the host as though in a real conversation and let the audience listen in- which they are.
Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
I think it keeps the child alive in me. There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people.
It was just a compulsion. In fact, I soon realized that the only thing I really enjoyed was the actual snorting.
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians.
There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it.
There have been times I've been out, and my phone battery is at nine percent, and I was like, 'Time to go home.'
My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!
I love a nice cooking show. It's as aesthetically pleasing as any other thing that tempts the senses, I suppose.
When you're six years old, the word 'poo' is the funniest word on God's earth, but this insults my intelligence.
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
In his first speech as Speaker, Boehner thanked his loved ones - tobacco lobbyists, the oil companies, the CEOs.
If I could ask Ken Lay one question right now, do you know what it would be? "Does the Devil really wear Prada?"
With high definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.
Clinton vetoed the repeal of the marriage tax. I guess Bill figures if he's married, then we all have to suffer.
I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing I Will Always Love You.
Certainly early on, I kind of modeled myself after Steve Martin and Bill Murray. I would imitate them sometimes.
I'm very big into just feeling good and doing what I want; I'm not very calculated or thoughtful about my moves.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.
I really relate to the feeling of falling in love 10 times a day and wishing I could never stop falling in love.
You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.
They say the people most affected by the credit crunch are pensioners - well, let go of the handbag then, Nanna.
You're sonically racist, Americans. You think we all sound the same, whereas I have definitely a mongrel accent.
I grew up in the Boston suburbs and inherited a stubborn New England refusal to acknowledge frigid temperatures.
A better thing to grow up with is to be funny I think, and if I had, if I had my choice I would still pick that.